IN THIS ISSUE: THE DEATH OF BLAH BLAH BLAH WHO GIVES A SHIT

OK, so I know I'm not saying anything controversial here, but I am seriously sick and tired of comic book deaths. Seriously, you guys. It's not interesting anymore. You just keep bringin' em back, it gets to the point where we don't care. Oh, and while I'm on the subject, let's look at the stories behind the "deaths" of Captain America and Batman.

Captain America, notable for being the most high-profile of the Marvel universe's un-powered heroes, was fatally shot and killed at the end of crossover event Civil War. We were given several tie-in limited series' in which those left behind mourn their loss. After a brief struggle, the mantle of Captain America is reluctantly taken up by the hero's former sidekick Bucky Barnes, who had long since become the shadowy vigilante Winter Soldier. In a shocking twist, it's been revealed that rather than killing Cap, the bullet merely knocked him unstuck in time and space.

Batman, notable for being the most high-profile of the DC universe's un-powered heroes, was fatally shot and killed at the end of crossover event Final Crisis. We were given several tie-in limited series' in which those left behind mourn their loss. After a brief struggle, the mantle of Batman is reluctantly taken up by the hero's former sidekick Robin, who had long since become the shadowy vigilante Nightwing. In a shocking twist, it's been revealed that rather than killing Batman, the bullet merely knocked him unstuck in time and space.

Seriously? Like, what the fuck. IT'S THE EXACT SAME STORY. Cap's death at least had some impact. The whole "magic bullet" aspect was only revealed recently, more than two years after the initial event. Up until then I'd been pretty pleased with the treatment. The death was genuinely shocking, and provided a nice segue into the new, post-Civil War order of the Marvel U. Additionally, it was fun to see the Punisher briefly wear a Cap-themed costume before handing off the mask to Bucky, who has struggled to live up to his mentor. Now they're bringing Cap back, and I don't even know what to think.

Batman, on the other hand, got no respect. After apparently perishing in the much more interesting Batman: R.I.P. storyline in his own comic, the "magic bullet" twist was revealed almost immediately after his "death" in the final issue of the disappointing event Final Crisis. And don't even get me started on Dick Grayson as the new Batman. Especially disappointing is the choice for the new Robin, Damian Wayne, Batman's son. Yeah, I guess Batman had a son at some point? Cool. The only problem is that the entire dynamic has been flipped. We now have a dark, brooding anti-hero for Robin and a fun-loving, happy-go-lucky acrobat for Batman. It's painfully obvious that the arrangement won't last long.

You'll notice I spent this entire post avoiding jokes about the Disney-Marvel buyout. That's because it's not going to happen. They're already getting sued up the ass, I'll write a post about if/when it actually goes through.