IN THIS ISSUE: THE DEATH OF BLAH BLAH BLAH WHO GIVES A SHIT

OK, so I know I'm not saying anything controversial here, but I am seriously sick and tired of comic book deaths. Seriously, you guys. It's not interesting anymore. You just keep bringin' em back, it gets to the point where we don't care. Oh, and while I'm on the subject, let's look at the stories behind the "deaths" of Captain America and Batman.

Captain America, notable for being the most high-profile of the Marvel universe's un-powered heroes, was fatally shot and killed at the end of crossover event Civil War. We were given several tie-in limited series' in which those left behind mourn their loss. After a brief struggle, the mantle of Captain America is reluctantly taken up by the hero's former sidekick Bucky Barnes, who had long since become the shadowy vigilante Winter Soldier. In a shocking twist, it's been revealed that rather than killing Cap, the bullet merely knocked him unstuck in time and space.

Batman, notable for being the most high-profile of the DC universe's un-powered heroes, was fatally shot and killed at the end of crossover event Final Crisis. We were given several tie-in limited series' in which those left behind mourn their loss. After a brief struggle, the mantle of Batman is reluctantly taken up by the hero's former sidekick Robin, who had long since become the shadowy vigilante Nightwing. In a shocking twist, it's been revealed that rather than killing Batman, the bullet merely knocked him unstuck in time and space.

Seriously? Like, what the fuck. IT'S THE EXACT SAME STORY. Cap's death at least had some impact. The whole "magic bullet" aspect was only revealed recently, more than two years after the initial event. Up until then I'd been pretty pleased with the treatment. The death was genuinely shocking, and provided a nice segue into the new, post-Civil War order of the Marvel U. Additionally, it was fun to see the Punisher briefly wear a Cap-themed costume before handing off the mask to Bucky, who has struggled to live up to his mentor. Now they're bringing Cap back, and I don't even know what to think.

Batman, on the other hand, got no respect. After apparently perishing in the much more interesting Batman: R.I.P. storyline in his own comic, the "magic bullet" twist was revealed almost immediately after his "death" in the final issue of the disappointing event Final Crisis. And don't even get me started on Dick Grayson as the new Batman. Especially disappointing is the choice for the new Robin, Damian Wayne, Batman's son. Yeah, I guess Batman had a son at some point? Cool. The only problem is that the entire dynamic has been flipped. We now have a dark, brooding anti-hero for Robin and a fun-loving, happy-go-lucky acrobat for Batman. It's painfully obvious that the arrangement won't last long.

You'll notice I spent this entire post avoiding jokes about the Disney-Marvel buyout. That's because it's not going to happen. They're already getting sued up the ass, I'll write a post about if/when it actually goes through.

WHY ARE SO MANY WOMEN DEPRESSED? LET'S ASK A CONSERVATIVE!

So I thought I'd try something new, a fun little feature I call "Let's Ask A Conservative!" For the inaugural edition, I thought I'd investigate an article brought to me by StumbleUpon, the greatest thing ever created by man. The article comes from humanevents.com, the self-described "Home Of The Conservative Underground," and is entitled Why Are So Many Women Depressed?
So let's see, Dennis Prager, Why are women so depressed?

"Because I'm their blind date?"

Ok, well, I just finished the article and... um... Well, I'll let Dennis speak for himself.

"It is widely reported that women suffer depression at twice the rate of men. Apparently, more women are clinically depressed than ever before."

Ok, wrong, the gap between men and women is nowhere near that large and the statistics are only higher now because we've become better at diagnosing and are aware of more symptoms of depression and have eliminated the social stigma attached to it, but whatever, depression is still a problem. What do you think might be a cause, Den-Den?

"As every wise person and wise culture in history has known, it is impossible to attain any happiness without conquering one's nature. This is, of course, equally true for boys and girls, men and women. However, along with feminism arose a belief in the superiority of female nature. One result of this has been the suppressing of many male instincts -- both negative and positive -- along with little or no suppression of negative female instincts."

Ok, that first part, about wise cultures? Thats the historical equivalent of "Some people say." There is nothing to back that statement up whatsoever. Also, remember what he says here; It's the suppresion of masculine instincts and the embrace of feminine instincts that started causing trouble. This will be important later. Prager prattles on for a bit, talking about how decent men control their sexual and violent urges, and how only evil and unhappy men rape women, bringing this up for no other reason than to force you to agree with him on at least one point. But then he starts talking about how while men are still taught to control these aspects of their nature, women are no longer taught to control their baser nature, what he calls "their predilection to be ruled by their emotions." Ok, yeah, I guess it's not cool to let emotions control you, but couldn't you have put that less condescendingly? But anyway, lets see why this is dangerous.

"Girls' emotions and feelings were inherently valuable... Consequently, the women many of these girls grew into lacked the ability to control their natures, to control their emotions, or their moods, and therefore lacked the facility to engage in the self-control necessary for happiness and the avoidance of depression."

Dammit! How could we have known that by telling girls to acknowledge their emotions, we were turning them into selfish emotional gluttons! Oh, the humanity! If only they had been stoic and self-controlled, like men! Femininity truly is the enemy.

"Another aspect of feminism that has probably contributed to many women's unhappiness was the rejection of femininity. Feminism was more often the celebration of masculine virtues (for women only, alas) than the celebration of feminine virtues."

...huh?

"There are scores of examples. One is the rejection of feminine dress -- a girl who attends class at almost any high school or college wearing a skirt or dress is an anomaly. Another is coarse speech. A generation ago, men refrained from using curse words in front of women. Today many young women curse as readily as men (I have probably seen more women than men drivers make an obscene gesture at other drivers). Such behaviors were inconceivable when women were expected to act feminine. And, of course, the "liberated" female's celebration of casual sex, throughout history associated with male nature, is the antithesis of femininity."

Ok, Dennis, you can't have it both ways here. First you say feminism killed masculinity and celibrated femininity. Then you say the complete opposite? Also, are you suggesting it's cool for men to be promiscious but not women? I've never seen anybody openly admit to that double standard. Basically the thrust of this part of the argument is that women don't really want to be able to do all that man stuff, because it takes away there female identity. Now, I'm a man, so I may be going out on a limb here, but I'd guess most women wouldn't stop wearing jeans so they can feel like they're a member of the Super-Secret Women's Club. But wait! There's more!

"Women are generally happier when they have a good man in their lives. And by "good man," I mean not only devoted and kind, but masculine as well.... Those who do not believe this should simply ask single adult women looking for a husband what their greatest problem is with the men they meet. "They are not men," is the single greatest lament. Not "they are not egalitarian enough" or "not sensitive enough.""

Ok, no. Women aren't looking for lumberjacks, as far as I know. And come on, really? Women don't complain that men aren't sensitive enough? You've managed to hit every other stereotype about women, and then you go against the only one thats partially true. Jerk.

So, I figure this could be a regular feature. Hell, I could do all of them based off Prager's articles. With names like Is Gay The New Black, this guy could keep me in material for years.

TOP TEN PART 2: THE RECKONING

Ok, so here's the long-awaited-by-no-one conclusion to my top ten albums list. It would've gone up yesterday, but I was busy with... um... important stuff.
Ok, not really, but Max Bemis's side project, Two Tongues, released their first album on Tuesday and I didn't get it til yesterday, so I needed some time for that. I'll probably post a full review at some point, but here's a sneak peek: meh.
So, without further ado, let's finish this.


5.) Cursive- Happy Hollow
Why It's On The List- Because I was an angsty youth. This disc, a heavy concept album that's comprised of 13 "hymns" about the the titular town, is a stark, unsentimental view of suburban life. It's world is one of shattered dreams, broken hearts, and identity crises. In one song, a priest struggles with his sexual identity. In another, supermarket cashier Dorothy refects on the dreams she's been forced to leave behind. The music is fantastic, too. Blaring horns mix with electronic squeals to create a genuinely foreboding atmosphere.
Why It Isn't Higher- While it's some fantastic music, it can be a little too depressing for multiple listens.
Stand-Out Tracks- Big Bang, Bad Science

4.) Jonathon Coulton- Thing-a-Week
Why It's On The List- Because I am a huge geek. Jonathon Coulton is pretty famous in nerd circles, but completely unheard of elsewhere. He does fun, melodic nerd-folk-rock, as well as some cool remixes. Thing-a-Week is by far his most ambitious project. Before Radiohead and Nine Inch Nails were putting up albums as free downloads, Jonathon was putting up a brand new free song on his website every week for and entire year. This totalled out to 52 songs total, ranging from a Beatles vs. Boston mashup, to a story of the world's most ambitious curler, to a beautiful, acoustic rendition of Baby Got Back. There's even a few straight forward serious songs as well, which further reinforce my opinion that he's one of the greatest songwriters around today.
Why It Isn't Higher- It can be difficult to tell his serious songs from his comedic songs, which can be grating at times.
Stand-Out Tracks- Tom Cruise Crazy, Madelaine

3.) Billy Joel- 52nd Street
Why It's On This List- Because everybody loves a cocky loser. Chuck Klosterman pointed out that at no point in his carreer has Billy Joel been considered "cool," and that's where his main appeal comes in. I agree whole-heartedly, and Billy is at his un-hippest on this album. He's ugly, he's a bad dresser, and, if one were to go by his songs, it seems he's consistently had his heart broken by every female he's ever known. He fails miserably at his few attempts to be cool. And yet, the sweepingly upbeat music turns lyrics about heartbreak and angst into fun, carefree pop songs. It's absolutely fantastic. Also, the intro to Stiletto is the funkiest thing ever composed by a white man.
Why It Isn't Higher: As much as I love Billy, we're in the big leagues now, and he just got forced down to the third spot.
Stand-Out Tracks- Big Shot, Zanzibar

2.) The Early November- The Mother, The Mechanic, And The Path
Why It's On This List- Because it takes serious balls to pull off a triple album. This is three discs of awesome emo-rock. The first disc is a bit softer, the second is a bit harder, and the third is a freaking masterpiece. It's a seperate concept album that draws on a few songs from the first two discs, new songs coming from varying influences, and spoken word interludes, to tell the story of Dean, a troubled teenager telling his life story to his psychiatrist. It's incredibly poignant, evoking much more emotion and pathos than other such albums. This is how you do a concept album right.
Why It Isn't Higher- Because nothing I've heard has been capable of de-throning my number one.
Stand-Out Tracks- Decoration, Hair

1.) Say Anything- ...is a Real Boy
Why It's On The List- Because they are the greatest punk band ever. They transcend the genre of "punk," and end up as something so much more. Max Bemis's songwriting is heavy on the growl and heavy on the emotion, and one never suffers because of the other, which is quite a feat to pull off. Bemis perfectly captures the angst, confusion, and above all hope that comes with growing up and trying to create your own identity; Although the album may at times seem a touch depressing, it is above all optimistic. There's a song on here for every emotion, from love to joy to rage and everything in between. I never grow tired of this album, despite frequent play.
Why It Isn't Higher: Believe me, if it were mathematically possible, it would be.
Standout Tracks- I Want To Know Your Plans, Admit It!!!

UKULELES R US

Ok, so part two of the top ten list is going to be a bit delayed because I'm lazy. Instead, here's a video of the Ukulele Orchestra Of Great Britain performing the Undertones classic Teenage Kicks.

TOP TEN (in which I prove myself a hypocrite)

Ok, so now that I got that well-thought-out and articulate (not to brag) encapsulation of my stance on the entertainment industry, I shall now proceed to completely go against it in this blog by obsessing over entertainment and letting my taste in entertainment define who I am.

Lets do this!

Ok, so I figured I'd start with a good old-fashioned top ten list. In this case, I'm doing my top ten favorite albums of all time. This is in no way definitive, and will probably change within an hour of it's completion, but I need practice writing about music. So here goes. (Note: Seeing as this will be rather long, I'm splitting it into two parts. Part two will go up either tomorrow or later this week.)

10.) The Pixies- Doolittle
Why It's On The List: The Pixies did one thing, and they did it well: Simple yet interesting songs draped in a sort of detached coolness that James Dean might've admired. You get the sense that they couldn't give two craps about what you think about their music, but you want to listen anyway.
Why It Isn't Higher: There's honestly only so far simplicity can take you. The simplicity doesn't allow for much musical range, either. After a while, everything blurs together.
Standout Tracks: Wave Of Mutilation, Number 13 Baby

9.) Sublime- Sublime
Why It's On The List: Partly for sentimental reasons; This is the first album I ever listened to start to finish. Don't get me wrong, though, it's a great freaking disc. The group brings together elements from so many different genres. There's rock, funk, reggae, R&B, hip-hop, thrash punk, basically everything that was floating around at the time, and it fits together surprisingly well.
Why It Isn't Higher- While market saturation may be fantastic for the record label, it can stink for the fans. So many of the tracks have become overplayed, it becomes impossible to listen to the album regularly without getting bored with it.
Standout Tracks: Under My Voodoo, April 29, 1992 (Miami)

8.) Rilo Kiley- More Adventurous
Why It's On The List: I love Jenny Lewis. Love, love, love Jenny Lewis. She has one of the most beautiful voices I've ever heard, and it's out in full force on the band's best album. When she sings "With every broken heart/We should become more adventurous," you can hear the heartbreak and hope in her voice.. The music is sweeping and gorgeous, supporting intensely personal and meaningful lyrics.
Why It Isn't Higher: As much as I love the band, they've never struck me as really fantastic. They're consistently great, but they never blow me away.
Standout Tracks: Does He Love You?, Portions For Foxes

7.) Radiohead- The Bends
Why It's On The List: This is the Radiohead album for people who don't like Radiohead. Back before they went off the deep end trying to be the world's weirdest band, before the "pay what you want" schemes and camera-less music videos, they were just a cool rock band. These songs are fun, cool, and most importantly, not weird for weirdness's sake.
Why It Isn't Higher: The same reason as More Adventurous; I've never really been wowed by Radiohead. It's a fantastic album, but I don't take it as divine inspiration the way some people do.

6.) Nirvana- Nevermind
Why It's On The List: Because Nirvana saved rock. I hate to disagree with Mickey Rourke, but Kurt Cobain did us a favor whenhe came along and destroyed Hair Metal. Without Nirvana, there would be no grunge, and without grunge the modern alternative scene would be a hell of a lot different. Nirvana may not have been the first to do what they did, but they did it louder and they did it better, and they demanded you listen
Why It Isn't Higher: When you really look at the album, it's nothing mind-blowing. You can hear the pain in Cobain's howl, but that doesn't make it sound any better. It's incredibly influential and important, but it's no masterpiece.
Standout Tracks: In Bloom, Smells Like Teen Spirit

The Treachery of Images

So, hello blogosphere. I know it's 2009 and that term is horribly played out, but I needed to say it. So... I've entitled this blog Treachery Of Images after the famous painting by Rene Magritte.
I feel the painting completely encompasses my feelings toward art, entertainment, and the cult of celebrity. While it may look like a pipe, and we can say it is a pipe, it can never really be a pipe, as the caption informs us. We can never smoke it, or put it to any other practical use for that matter. That having been said, it is by no means useless. It's quite valid when used as a thought exercise, as seen in this paragraph. But we need to understand that even the finest work of art is really just paint and canvas. We can let it shape our thoughts and minds, and open new perceptions, but we must not let it rule our lives. We must not let common opinion decide what is "art" and what is "real."


Ok, so that was a little heavy. As an apology, please accept this picture of something funny and Japanese.
I look forward to BLOWING MINDS some more in the future.